A Subtle Solution to Self-Destructive Behaviors

How to use your awareness to start dissolving harmful habits

Nobody is driven to be self-destructive because they believe that it is reasonable.

They are driven to be self-destructive because from their perspective, they are not hurting themselves.

They are taking the best course of action, all things considered.

The emotional and psychological intensity associated with our problems tends to distort our perception of the solution.

We think that big problem = big solution.

But the solution to a big problem can be very subtle.

This contradiction is itself a problem.

So I’m going to explain how to stop your self-destructive behaviors using attention and awareness.

I’ve reversed a few habits using this method.

• poor diet

• lack of exercise

• bad communication habits

• porn addiction

and I’ve seen other people wiggle out of their vices like this as well.

In fact, what we’re going to look at seems to frequently be the missing link between seeing that something is a problem and actually feeling compelled to consistently address it.

The solution to self-destructive behavior is actually very easy (remember, big problems ≠ big solutions)

First, Second, and Third Order Consequences

It starts with an intuitive concept that you might have heard of, but might not know how to apply on a daily basis.

That is the concept of first, second, and third order consequences.

“Consequences” in this case doesn’t mean something bad.

It is just referring to layers of effect.

Our behavior becomes self destructive when we are not aware of the relationship between these three layers of effect. And it is not a guessing game, we can observe all three if we understand what to look for.

First order consequences are the most obvious, direct consequences of an action.

Second order consequences are one step removed from this, and slightly less obvious.

Third order consequences result from second order consequences. These can be more difficult to anticipate, and are closer to butterfly effects or chain reactions. (Luckily, you don’t need to anticipate them, you can observe them).

To measure these you have to break an event into two components. The initiator of the effect and the recipient of the effect.

Imagine we are trying to measure the first, second, and third order consequences of a rainstorm.

That doesn’t really make sense.

The consequences of the rain storm on what? On the humidity in the air? On the birds? On a nearby river?

Usually, we are talking about the consequences of an event relative to US.

So we would ask “what are the effects of a rain storm on a small town?”

The rainstorm would be the initiator of the effect and the small town would be the recipient.

And now we can check the orders of consequence.

The first order consequence of a rainstorm is that the ground gets wet. Drivers turn on their windshield wipers. People walking will generally try to get out of the rain. Rain will begin to accumulate and form puddles.

The second order consequences result from those.

People might wind up staying inside for extended periods of time. Certain driving routes might flood, preventing people’s movements. Car accidents might happen because of slippery roads.

Third order consequences come after these.

If some driving routes are blocked, people might be late for work, or reschedule plans. The flooding might effect the growth of plants and animals in the area. Those car accidents could result in arguments or tensions in a person’s life.

Technically, you could keep adding layers of consequence.

There isn’t an explicit dividing line between what qualifies as a first or second order consequence. It is a tool for analyzing the impact of an event.

With our behavior we get confused about these orders of consequence because sometimes they do not follow as naturally from one another.

Or because our ego distorts our perception with emotional attachments and expectations.

For example, let’s say I have a behavior of smoking or drinking to cope with stress.

The first order consequence is that I feel good. Relaxation and relief.

The second order consequence, though, is that my body rebounds from those effects. And I actually feel worse.

I might feel irritable, more anxious than before, my body would be inflamed, my blood pressure might increase.

The third order consequences would be that this impacts my decision making and communication, which impairs my ability to move forward in life, organize events, or build relationships.

Our issue is that we come up with theories and philosophies that claim the second order consequences are the first order consequences from a different event. Usually as an unconscious reaction.

In this example, we accept that the first order consequence is from smoking.

But we claim that the second order consequence is stressed from work, family, or other life events.

In other words, it is a first order consequence of those things. (this sounds like it leads to a complicated vicious cycle)

We identify a person, thing, or situation outside of us as the first order consequence of our stress.

When ultimately, their stress is actually a result of the self-destructive behavior.

This unconscious reaction protects the self-destructive behavior.

In some sense that unconscious reaction is a form co-dependence with the first order consequence of the behavior. So it gets weighted more heavily vs the second and third order consequences. Which makes it seem like giving up that first order consequences would make everything worse.

Probably because of a loop like this

Behavior/Event Loops

Event: A (first order consquence) —> B (second order consequence) —> C (third order consequence)

A —> B —> C

You can think of an event as A creates B which creates C.

(Or C results from B which results from A, if you wanted to say it backwards.)

In most situations we notice that B and C are the vast majority of the effect, so we clearly avoid things that have very painful second and third order consequences.

The first order consequence of crossing the street without looking is that you cross the street slightly faster. But the second and third order consequences are that you get hit by a car and might die.

So we look before we cross the street.

The event loop for self-destructive behavior looks different.

Self-Destructive Behavior: A₁ —> ≠ B.

A₁ —> A₁ —> A₁ —> A₁…

B = A₂ —> B —> C

In other words, the first order consequence(A) that feels good is pinned as the only aspect of a self-destructive behavior.

The second and third order consequences (B and C) are attributed to a different event entirely. (A₂)

I’ve referred to this pattern of justification before as the victim vice cycle. Although I did not use letters an arrows to describe it, I mentioned it in this article about relationships.

How to Evaluate Behaviors and Situations

It is only practical to evaluate things with extra weight on second and third order consequences. Not a fixation on first order consequences.

Eating celery might be slightly unpleasant to eat as a first order consequence.

But the second order consequences of lower blood pressure and easier digestion lead to the third order consequences of relaxation, increased stress tolerance, and decreased risk of disease.

(If you are anti-vegetable, just apply the same sequence to good quality beef.)

Only evaluating first order consequences, or the mental acrobatics described above, are usually caused by compulsive pleasure seeking or other ego driven behaviors.

The important key to unlocking clarity on these event chains is an acceptance that nobody (including yourself) does things because they believe they are going to hurt them.

They are doing it because they believe it is the right thing to do.

That means in order to change our behavior, we have to target our fundamental assessments.

When you realize in your experience that something is unpleasant, you become naturally averse to it.

If you connect the few hours or minutes of pleasure you get from smoking (first order consequence) to the days or weeks of increased anxiety, inflammation, irritability, poor decision making (second order consequence), and the relationship strain and other hardships that come as a result of that (third order consequence) you’ll naturally stop.

However, if you say that the stress caused by smoking is actually stress caused by something else, and you are using the smoking to combat that stress, you will be stuck.

Self-empowering sequences are easy to observe with diet and exercise.

You’ve got to pay attention to the consequences of what you eat for about 12 - 72 hours after the fact to observe them.

That’s probably a scary number with all of the attention propaganda that we hear today, but that doesn’t mean a 72 hour stream of focused, unbroken attention.

It means setting up cues to remind yourself to check the relationship between an activity that you know you should stop, and the behavior causing it.

For example when you feel reactive or stressed, you can remember to think “what did I eat for dinner last night? How did I sleep?”

If you ate an entire package of cookies for dinner, didn’t sleep, and drank a bunch of caffeine in the morning, it is more likely that your stress is caused by this. Not whatever your mind is aiming at.

Doing this you’ll start to realize a lot of things. Like how the foods you eat for lunch can keep you awake at night. Or lower your quality of thought.

If you’ve had any experiences with similar patterns in your life let’s talk about it in the comments!

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